A Letter to Leo

Originally published: Feb. 11, 2000

By Todd Camp

Dear Leo,

OK, after sitting slack-jawed through your new two-hour-plus Lord of the Flies-meets-Apocalypse Now travelogue called The Beach, I feel compelled to share a few thoughts about your questionable taste in selecting a suitable follow-up to the most successful movie of all time.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those crazed fans who only wants to remember your frozen face sinking beneath the icy Atlantic at the end of Titanic. I certainly understand the need for an actor to play against type and try something new to avoid getting pigeonholed.

And hey, it worked for Brad Pitt, right? Even Rose, um, I mean Kate Winslet, has done some pretty cool indie stuff since surviving the sinking. But Leo, what on earth were you thinking with this Beach thing?

I can respect your decision not to do American Psycho. It was a crummy book anyway, and the vault from romantic leading man to sadistic lady-killer (literally) may have been too big a leap for your hardcore fans to make. Besides, Christian Bale would have been really ticked at you if you stole that part out from under him.

I know you've done some gutsy, challenging roles in the past ­ your Oscar-nominated turn as the mentally impaired brother in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, the drug addict in The Basketball Diaries and that gay poet's lover in Total Eclipse ­ but this thing is just weird, man.

I, along with a lot of your doe-eyed admirers who still remember you from Growing Pains, was with you for a while ­ struttin' around shirtless, showing off your newly buff bod in a gorgeous island paradise. But by the time you started Brando-ing out after spending too much time alone in the bush, your craze became infectious. Staring at some of those tedious, overlong closeups of your sweaty face, I actually started thinking that The Man in the Iron Mask was pretty good . . . till I came to my senses, of course.

So if you don't mind a little unsolicited advice, here are a few tips to consider when pickin' your next part:

* The Force isn't with you, babe. There's an ugly rumor floatin' around that you're in line to play the older Anakin in the next Star Wars flick. Trust me, Leo, drop the light saber and walk away. The fans and critics will be all over you like a Wookie on a waffle.

* Remember who made you King of the World. You don't have to be a slave to the whims of all the little ladies in braces who run your homemade fan club Web sites, but show 'em some occasional skin and throw a little romance their way to keep 'em coming to the local megaplex. It's the least you could do for the folks who paid for your house.

* Find a pet director. Tim Burton transformed Johnny Depp from a 21 Jump Street heartthrob into one of the most versatile performers of our generation. And the gals are still wild about him. Martin Scorcese is great, and your next picture with him, The Gangs of New York, could be Oscar bait. But let's face it, Leo, you're no De Niro. Capisce?

* Seek out a mentor. You don't have to be the star of every film. There's something to be said for learning from a master (Tom Cruise with Paul Newman in The Color of Money and Dustin Hoffman in Rainman or Brad Pitt with Morgan Freeman in Seven). Find a venerable old Hollywood type and use your box-office pull to help earn him some much-needed attention along with an Oscar nod. There's nothing wrong with good karma.

Hope these help. You know I criticize because I love. But remember, as long you never play a supervillain in one of the Batman flicks, you'll always be King of the World in my book.

Yours truly,

Todd